Full disclosure this post will have nothing to do with yarny goodness, FO's or anything else that I tend to let you enjoy in this space. Sorry, I just need to express this.
I have rarely been content with my size, I am six feet tall and not my ideal weight by any means. I am around food all day everyday and that will not be changing anytime soon. I have very little will power and even less staying ability to stick to things or make a commitment to anything that makes me, sore, uncomfortable, unable to function on a day to day basis, or restricts me from being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
It was, I thought, time for a change. About 5 weeks ago now I signed up for a New Year's transformation with a personal trainer, to see if finally I could kick myself into gear and make it so that my pants would no longer be tight, my collection of amazing shirts fit again (front buttons and a bust are no ones friend), and make my amazing collection of dresses fit again.
So I began this journey hopeful that something would in fact take hold, but alas I feel I have again led myself down a path that is not working.
The transformation offers almost everything one would need in order to succeed, we are told:
- What to eat
- How much to eat, down to the gram
- When to eat it
- How much water to drink
- How much cardio to do each day
- What weight routine to do 5 days a week
- What group exercise we are doing together that Saturday
- and a human coach that we have access too should we have questions
- My issue with this is I feel every text I have sent has fallen almost on deaf ears, and the responses have not always been in response to what my question was
Five weeks in, I have lost 4 ish lbs of fat, gained 1 lb of muscle, and only lost an inch from 5 measurements over the body, see the picture below. I feel larger, heavier, more disgusting than I felt before. I feel sick to my stomach when I eat what they are telling me to eat, I feel lethargic, angry, hungry, weak, teary, headaches like never before, taking afternoon naps that last 3 hours, anything bad you could feel, I feel it, and I am hating it.
TMI: I am farting like crazy and it smells so bad that I cannot bear to be in my own company. SORRY, I just needed to say that to someone, so of course I tell the internet .
We are eating chicken (or other white meats, turkey, white fish), kale, cucumbers, brussel sprouts, broccoli, brown rice, quinoa, a protein pancake with eggs, salad, almond butter, rice cake (gross), the odd berry item, 1/4 of an avocado, 1/4 of an apple (how do you eat 1/4 of an apple or avocado? So I don't bother, as I cannot find anyone to eat the other 3/4's, and if I start on the apple or avocado I might as well eat the whole thing, it's easier to not start).
We are eating all good things, so why do I feel so DISGUSTING, all the time? That is the part I cannot figure out and I cannot understand, and is illogical. When I eat something I consider my old life style and I feel AMAZING and I could be powered for days, weeks, years. I have crystallized ginger on hand at all times to keep my stomach at bay, and I have dark chocolate on hand as well to keep my energy levels from crashing to a point beyond repair, like right now. Full disclosure I do not drink, nor do I like coffee, so that is not part of my plan.
Onto the work outs.
We are doing 45 - 60 minutes of fasted cardio every day (Sundays optional), I am now doing about 4 miles in 45 - 50 minutes, which for me is huge progress, burning 500 - 700 calories in that time. But then I have to do the weight workouts which I either skip entirely or only do half of, or only do the parts that I feel I can do with success. There are 3 reasons for this, firstly after my run I feel exhausted, and as though I am going to throw up. Secondly I am so hungry that I could eat my own arm between the treadmill and the workout, but I like having my arms so I don't. Thirdly, as I mentioned above I hate being sore, so the first week when I was doing what I was meant to be doing I was unable to sit on a freaking toilet seat, and when my working out affects my ability to sit or function getting me to do it is impossible, as my lack of mobility is worse than having a muffin top, I would rather just stay the same.
The summary of this is all to say that I am not entirely sure why I keep bothering to try and make myself better it does not feel like it is working, the only place I feel I have lost any weight is my neck, and I am so over the entire experience that I cannot tell you how glad I will be when it is all over. I am tired of being cranky, having unpredictable moods, and in general just feeling like a bag of old garbage. I am tired of feeling guilty for not eating what I am 'meant' to be eating, and feeling guilty for not doing my work outs, even though they make me feel worse and as though I shall just throw up anyway. I truly wish it had worked, and maybe by March 11th when it is all finally over and on the final day I will feel differently but for right now I am feeling very unmotivated and at a loss as to know what to do to see any real results.
